Okay. I’m sorry. I don’t understand. I was one of the “lucky” ones. I got that precious internship. I’m suddenly the privileged one who cannot possibly imagine what it feels like to suffer. Well, let me tell you something. Obtaining an internship doesn’t make the bleeding stop. It is not even a band-aid to my pain. I do not feel proud, I do not feel excited. The only positive sensation that came when I opened up that email was relief. And even that was fleeting. Because soon after that moment, I thought about you, and you, and you, and you.
You, who like me, got up early every Saturday just to get in a few extra hours of studying.
You, who like me, turned down countless opportunities to see your friends because you had to volunteer doing some mindless task.
You, who like me, couldn’t enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner with your family because you had to finish the lit review for the professor you were assisting.
So you ask me why I still have iSAD? Why aren’t I jumping for joy at my good fortune? I survived, I “succeeded”, didn’t I?
No. I didn’t. It would be completely naïve of me to assume that an internship makes the iSAD go away. iSAD is contagious, its incredibly susceptible to relapse, and there are many different origins. Today my iSAD came because of your distress, because I know that you are just as deserving as I am, and maybe even want it more. I’m hurt because this system has left you to feel inadequate, unsure of yourself, and betrayed by the profession.
And in that moment of strength, when you manage to wipe away your tears, I hear you tell yourself that maybe, just maybe, next year you will be “good enough”…. But what if they say you aren’t?
Please, don’t let this sick, unfair system let you believe that you have done anything wrong, or not done quite “enough” right. Your insecurity is consuming, and now, I too feel betrayed. Is this the culture I want to subscribe to? One that pushes away capable, passionate people and never cares to look back?
Well, it’s certainly easier just to forget this pain, to move on as a privileged intern and forget about you, and you, and you, and you. But I’m going to be brave. I hope I won’t be alone.
19 comments:
Thank you for this post. There is a lot of feelings in this blog that are normally 'unacceptable'. Thank you for your courage to post these statements. It makes me feel that I am completely normal, whereas I started feeling that there is something wrong with me. But as you say there is something totally wrong with the system. I also got an internship and for some reason I am not overly happy. A lot of my close friends didn't get it and I feel that by default they think I don't understand how they feel, just because I got one. And to be quite honest I kind of feel lonely because I know more people who didn't get it than who got it. So I'm in my 'happiness' alone. And when I talk to people who have done internships they tell me it was the worst year of their life. Guess how that makes me feel. I'm so excited that I can't wait. They tell me you just have to survive it. At this point, I feel like I have survived the last 4 years. I have put everything aside to prove I can be a dietitian. I'm tired of surviving. I want to start living.
I agree with you. I also got an internship this year... and I am happy and relieved that I did; but part of me is also unhappy. When I got an internship, I couldn't express my happiness because of the immense pain I saw around me... and I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to make others around me feel worse. The sad part is that they are my friends... but now there is a divide amongst us... I don't know if it is because I got an internship and they didn't. But part of me wishes I didn't get one. Is it worth it? I want to be an R.D. so badly, but I also want all of those amazingly strong people around me to get one too. I hate seeing them so upset, so down on themselves. They deserve it as much as I do. And I hate the space my getting-an-internship has caused. We don't talk about it because I worry that if I mention it I will make them more upset.
I also have heard that the internship is the hardest year of your life. That you are overworked and taken advantage of. Is this true? If it is... this is another area that needs to change. We are not getting paid for gosh sakes. So why are we expected to bust our butts and expected to work over 40 hours a week? Is this criteria to "pass" our internship? to become an R.D.?
Congratulations to the three of you for getting an internship. Your solidarity to the rest of us "unsuccessful" ones is much appreciated, however, don't fail to embrace your accomplishment. This internship rejection has been different than what I anticipated. I thought that, not getting it, would have resulted in a few bouts of hysterical crying. This wasn't the case, rather, it has felt more like a slow stab to the chest. Or perhaps like waking up in the middle of an operation. The beginning didn't hurt, and then the pain slowly crept up, but it was deep, very deep. I didn't feel sadness. It was a feeling of betrayal, a feeling of having been scammed, and, yes, an element of sadness, loss, and mourning.
I got all three interviews, including Sick Kids, so my confidence at that point sky rocketed. My career life, my dream, was finally going to get going. I could see that RD title at arm's length.
But yesterday I was officially unsuccessful.
Maybe there'll be second rounds. Or I'll apply next year. Am I guaranteed a spot? No, I'm not. Do I know that I want to be a dietitian? Yes, I do. Perhaps not a clinical dietitian, but I WANT TO BE A DIETITIAN!!!
I've been thinking and I wish there was another option. An option that didn't involve this internship. What is this,really? Some hospitals give you stipends, some don't? Some don't charge a registration fee, others charge $500. It's a full-time job, no pay. As far as I'm concerned that's called exploitation. Make it uniform; charge tuition if you want. In psychology I learned that perfectionism is the first trait that therapists try to get rid of in people. However, I feel like I lack perfectionism, and that if I were a little more perfectionistic, I might have gotten an internship. But at this point I'm just speculating. Congratulations to the successful applicants and thank you for your support. Yes, as happy as we are for you, it's inevitable that we feel jealous or envious or what have you. And congratulations to the unsuccessful applicants for having courage and voice. We ARE going to make a difference. We ARE!!
One more comment: to the successful applicants, it really sucks that you aren't able to enjoy your accomplishment like you deserve to enjoy it. Wouldn't it be nice if you can just jump off your feet with joy, go to school hug your friends and celebrate? Wouldn't that be nice? But, no. You can't really do that can you. You can't share your joy, not with your peers at least. I wouldn't and and I know you feel you can't. That's not fair to you. Really makes you think that this isn't right. Competition always exists, but this is at the extreme. We are not competing for a job, we are still in the process of education. We are tying to get our titles. Why is there such a tremendous obstacle? We came into this program to become dietitians, or nutrition experts. We are going to LEAVE this program as nutrition experts, NOT losers.
PLEASE LET THIS SYSTEM BE CHANGED.
Sincerely,
Teary Eyed anonymous.
Dear iSAD, please post this comment on your main page.
I was also one of the “lucky ones” – found out relatively late in comparison to some of my friends, so I feel that I am able to relate to both sides. I went through the whole process just like each and everyone one of us, had a few interviews, and waited in anticipation (or dread?) for that day to come, where I would find out whether or not I was selected for a position. I did not hear back…and to say it was heartbreaking might just be an understatement. Regardless, I was thrilled for my friends who obtained those cherished positions – but at the same time, I could also see their hesitance in sharing their joy. Quite frankly, that is understandable; we had just spent the past 4 years together, taking the same courses, studying into the late hours, and getting in that work/volunteer/extracurricular experience. Finally comes that application time – and everyone becomes guarded…hoping that they will be one of the lucky ones, while trying to remain respectful of others. It then becomes something that simply isn’t appropriate to be discussed, creating a “slump” if I had to describe it in one word. Meanwhile, we’re all still in each other’s presence for about another month as we approach the “finish line” of our 4 years. I was offered a position some time later (not within that first week), and this is where another perspective kicks in. And I say this because I read a comment where someone said part of them wishes they didn’t get one. I can’t say the same because I can’t even imagine having to go through that process again. Yes, there are equally as qualified (if not more) candidates out there…but at the end of the day, we all have the same goal: to hold one of those few positions. I definitely feel the divide between I and those who have not obtained an internship, but it’s important to not give up. I have such great admiration for those who are not giving up, for those who are using the year off to gain experience and coming back to me now for help with their resumes/CVs/interviews.
In response to the previous writer’s comment:
As far as the internship itself goes, I’m still in it, and it has not been easy. From my perspective, yes, we’re overworked…no (aside from finances etc.), I don’t feel that I’m being taken advantage of…all my preceptors have been wonderful and supportive – I am putting in that effort so I can get the most out of this experience that I have worked so hard to get in the first place – and they have been there every step of the way. They would know…they’ve been through the same “process”. I guess my point is, we should want to “bust our butts” to pass our internships, to become R.D.’s…because as far as I’m concerned, it is something to strive for…and the learning never stops.
Wow - what a lot of entitled, spoiled, complaining brats! Do you all honestly believe that you have no role in your own inability to secure an internship?
Perhaps there is a reason you didn't get an internship. Because if you think the stress of applying is hard wait until you have to actually do the work.
If you want people to listen to what your complaints are - grow up and sign your name!
Joanne Duncan, RD
Dear Joanne,
Ouch! Your comment is a tad harsh. How does goading people into signing their name help to address the issues presented in this blog? The students that I know are all willing to work hard and that is why the confusion exists around why their hard work has not led to an internship. The malaise that you read in this blog is the result of having all the hard work be met with disappointment. It is simply an unfair system because it does not necessarily reward hard work.
That's a very harsh and insensitive comment. Most of us have worked very hard to get to this point and are willing to work even harder during internship. No one is saying that the stress of the application process shouldn't exist. Applications are stressful. Of course it's going to exist. And you're right Joanne, I'm sure there is a reason why I didn't get it and someone else did, no doubt. But I don't know the reason. Perhaps getting some feedback might help me improve this area, whether it be my interview skills, or what have you, so that I may actually get a position next year.
I don't know about the rest of you but spoiled is way out of my reality. I live alone with my son, juggle school and work, no one is helping me financially, so I do not appreciate being referred to as spoiled.
Sincerely,
Violeta
Joanne Duncan is not listed in DC member database...
Dear Joanne,
Your comment is very hurtful to students, their parents, families and friends who have supported these students throughout their education.
All students regardless of whether they have received the internship or not have worked very hard to be where they are today. And they are very accomplished individuals. Please refrain from comments that are not helpful or constructive.
Your comment at the very least is unprofessional.
I understand that those who have gone through the system may feel defensive about change, but removing competition and adopting an integrated system is not so revolutionary, since it has been adopted in other provinces.
I aplaud these students for speaking out. And it should not surprise anyone that this blog is anonymous. These students have a lot to lose if they sign their names under these posts or comments. Not only can they lose an internship offer in the future but also a job offer, research or even opportunities, not to mention the effects this could have on students relationships with their professors.
There is a reason why people like Joanne are trying to humiliate these students. I'm just not sure what it is. Joanne, what are you losing when these students are speaking? Why are you so angry?
Sincerely,
Concerned Parent
Dear Joanne,
Please do not speak about others as if you have any kind of understanding of their lives- how could you? It is these kinds of assumptions that make me wonder what kind of an empathetic dietitian you could possibly be....if indeed you are one. I am, and I certainly can empathize with the comments expressed in this blog. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and reactions. Every dietitian who has been through this system knows that there are aspects of it that are inexplicable. These students are just asking for some explanation. It's about time someone did....
Dear "Lucky Me",
With the ability to think about others and not only yourself, you have a bright future in health care or wherever your journey takes you.
I hope you can understand that you are not alone.
Stay brave.
hey I just started a message board for dietetic support at http://dieteticinternship.forumotion.com/ would you mind if I post any of your stories there?
hey I just started a message board for dietetic support at http://dieteticinternship.forumotion.com/ would you mind if I post any of your stories there?
"Joanne" - I am astonished that you would make such comments. I have been working incredibly hard to obtain an internship. So your comments hurt me. I know I deserve to be an R.D., and after the what you posted, I think I would be a much better R.D. than you. I am not afraid to challenge the system and to try to make changes for the good of all those involved. You see, I am not focused solely on myself. I am also focused on all of those around me. Maybe if you spent some time talking to nutrition students and interns you would understand... no wait, they probably wouldn't talk to you or tell you the truth because of your incredibly deeming and condensing tone. I can only imagine what you are like in person.
Try to have a little empathy.
Hi All,
Joanne, like everyone else, is merely expressing her opinion and interpretation of the comments on this blog.
To be honest, at first glance, some students do come off as feeling "entilted" to get an internship. Perhaps that is not truley how the students feel...that is just how it comes across.
In my opinion, some people don't get an internship the first time around because they are truley not ready. Some students need a little more life experience in order to be ready to enter into a profession. Everyone grows and matures at different rates, and today's graduates are younger than ever. Just because you didn't get an internship doesn't mean you are not an appropriate candidate, it possibly means that you are not ready (provided your marks are good, and that you ethical and have values). When compared against other candidates who may indeed be ready, that is a perfectly justifiable reason.
I have had the pleasure of working with several students who did not get an internship the first time around. The experience that they get working with me and my professional team is invaluable. Watching a young person develop into someone who is truley ready to complete an internship is very rewarding. All students who have worked in our program have successfully gone on to do internships. And in almost every circumstance, those students were NOT ready to do internship prior to the ~ one year of experience they recieved with me. They were all great people, just not ready. Life experience builds character, skills, and confidence.
Not getting an internship should be viewed as a sign that perhaps you need to grow more, or in a different way, and it thus should be viewed opportunity to learn more about yourself.
Sincerely,
A.B.
I can relate to the comment above. I did not get an internship last year. I had the opportunity to expand my knowledge and experience this past year. I feel more ready and prepared now. I think if I had obtained an internship last year, I would have not been ready for it. From what I have heard, it is tough. I got an internship this year... and now that I look back, I feel more mature, professional, and prepared than before.
However, I do understand the feelings being shared. When I didn't get an internship last year, I too was devastated (or experienced iSAD; very clever term by the way! Love it!) I also experienced it this year with the stress and anxiety I felt and I saw in others.
It is a difficult process. I agree that more spots need to be available... 50% is a ridiculous acceptance rate.
My entire life I've wanted to be an RD. I finally quit my job after working for the state 17 years, while also going to school and raising kids on my own. It took until now for me to save the money and be able to pursue my passion as a RD. I went to orientation today at the university. I have only two years left and I have everything paid.
After learning about internships today, I decided to Google "chances of internships in RD" and was fortunate to locate this site. However, now I'm very concerned after reading all these blogs, and I think my chances could be low of getting any internship. I definitely have the maturity, skills and growth and experience, but they may choose me over the younger candidates. I have massive volunteer experience and good grades as well, but with all the items you all listed here now I’m scared.
If I wait 5 more years, then no one will want to hire me. This is my one time shot. Everyone knows me as “go getter" regardless of barriers that arise. There have to be some positives with this education, such as maintaining our own health and helping those we love with their health too. What about working for others in another capacity, in a related field, while trying to finish school and if internship is out for an additional year(s)? How do people work or earn money while completing the internships? I’d really like some feedback from anyone with ideas and also links to websites that may be beneficial as well. Thanks for sharing all of your great comments.
Sincerely Concerned
Thank you for your post. I am happy to see that people are still reading this blog. It seems that it got quiet in here, perhaps we all kind of moved on. But I hope that this blog will continue to be the space for people to safely exchange views and experiences of becoming and being a dietitian.
I hear your concerns. I have worked for a number of years before I decided to go back to school. My goal has always been to become a dietitian and I was getting extremely annoyed when some people were telling me that if I didn't get an internship there were other wonderful opportunities out there. Well, not for me, because the kind of work I want to do requires me to be an RD.
It is a sad reality that not everyone who graduates from an accredited program in Ontario gets an internship. It divides people, it cuts their wings, it creates resentment and from what I've been hearing it creates a bad reputation for the profession.
Students who do not get internships fall through the cracks and nobody knows where they end up.
I don't have any suggestion what to do get an internship, even though I got one. To me my application was quite comparable to those of my peers who didn't get an internship.
There is no right thing to do. But whatever you do, don't lose your passion. Stay connected with people who share it with you.
And in the meantime, I say the resolution is to stay in communication, to talk to one another, to support each other and to think of ways how we can change this together.
'Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.'
Margaret Mead
Keep up the good work iSAD!
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