What more could I have given?

I’m at the foot of the stairs to MINS. It has taken me longer than usual to get here today. At the doors, I can’t take one more step. My feet won’t move me forward. Tears stream down my face. I found out I didn’t get an internship yesterday. I am still devastated.

I’m usually so positive and upbeat. This sadness and emptiness has taken me by surprise. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? What more could have I given?

I think back to my very first day on this campus and feeling so joyful, almost skipping up these same steps into this distinguished red-bricked building where I would be learning all that I needed to learn to become a dietitian. I remember going to class and admiring my professors for all that they had accomplished and wishing I could soak up every single bit of wisdom they shared with me. Now I only feel disillusioned with this place and that knowledge. Where have the countless nights studying gotten me? Where have the hours spent in conversation with those same professors gotten me? What difference does any of it make?

I listened to you when you told me what I needed to do to become a dietitian, to get this internship. I did exactly what you said I should. I knew that it was competitive, but I thought that if I just did a little bit more than everyone else, I would have a better chance. Why did I believe you? Why did you betray me? Where are you now when I feel so completely alone?

Why haven’t you changed this ridiculous system? How many students need to go through this process? Can’t you see how it hurts us? Can’t you see we are in pain? Can’t you see how we come to class now, empty shells of our former selves? Can’t you see how it even affects those who did get an internship - not wanting to show their success? How can you ignore all of our pain? How do you hide it so well?

I could go to grad school, but quite frankly I don’t want anything to do with this place. Right now it is all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. What is the point?

Through the sadness, I begin to feel tiny sparks of anger. I think maybe there might be an enormous pool of anger buried deep inside me just waiting to explode. What is DC doing to fix this system? How long will it take? I recall seeing something from DC in the fall about some group working on a different approach. It is about time. It occurs to me that it has taken a really long time for DC to decide to do something. How many students have suffered because our leaders don’t have the guts to confront those who want to maintain the status quo? How can you live with that? You know who you are. How can you sleep at night? I can’t.

And, what makes us different from BC or Sask or AB or Quebec? How come they are doing it different? Who led those changes? Why can’t we do the same here? Who does this really benefit? Not the students, obviously. Are your egos so fragile you can’t even think beyond your own safety and comfort? How could you support us so much as students in your classes and then betray us so hugely just as we are coming into our professional selves? What recourse do we have? We can’t say anything because we risk not getting a positive evaluation from you in the future. We just have to swallow it in silence. Brutal.

I want to thank this iSAD group for giving me the space to write this. It helps, a little.