It is a mixture of feelings. Hope. Frustration. Sadness. Weakness. Depression.
It is the week in which I am supposed to receive a phone call from internship coordinators.
Talking to myself does not really work anymore. I don't feel confident enough to go into the interview. I am not better than anyone else in my class. We are all wonderful individuals capable of anything. All deserving the internship. But we don’t really talk about it anymore, there is nothing to say. We don’t want to think we compete with each other. But we compete for the same spots. How different is that? Silent competition, covered by being nice. Like a double identity. We live in isolation and pretend we are doing just fine. And at night we cry. Desperately waiting for that call. Maybe tomorrow the phone will ring.
It is the week in which I am supposed to receive a phone call from internship coordinators.
Talking to myself does not really work anymore. I don't feel confident enough to go into the interview. I am not better than anyone else in my class. We are all wonderful individuals capable of anything. All deserving the internship. But we don’t really talk about it anymore, there is nothing to say. We don’t want to think we compete with each other. But we compete for the same spots. How different is that? Silent competition, covered by being nice. Like a double identity. We live in isolation and pretend we are doing just fine. And at night we cry. Desperately waiting for that call. Maybe tomorrow the phone will ring.
I feel terrible today. I don't want to do it. I don't want to deal with this. I have worked for the last 5 years from dawn to dusk. I have neglected my family and my friends. They don't call me anymore, because I am always busy. And they know it so they don't even bother.
Will this be worth it? My partner tells me that people who really care will understand. Will they? They don’t believe that I care. They say my priorities are out of whack. These relationships hurt.
I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy. I used to have the drive for it, but I feel like I'm losing it. I don't know if this is worth it. But I am so close the finishing line that it would be stupid to quit. After all, this is my dream. This is what I really want. I’m here because I want to help sick people make sense of what to eat and how to enjoy it. But today I don't have the energy to carry on.
Where can I find the energy to keep going? How can I create supportive relationships? How can I reconnect with people in my life, with my peers?
If I am not the only one experiencing it this way, then we are creating a profession of individuals who are hurting unable to reach out to others. Through the culture of competition we are creating a competitive profession of individuals unable to support each other. Professionalism does not allow us for sharing feelings pertaining to weakness, depression, or sadness. We need to be able to perfectly manage our time, be organized, have emotional intelligence and be on top of every new report, research study, and attend every single conference, and conduct research and publish papers and be productive in our practice, having perfect weight and diet composed of home cooked and healthy meals so we can be role models for our society. These are unrealistic expectations. They are brought upon us and then internalized by us. If we will practice dietetics thinking that this is who we need to be, but knowing inside that we are not, we are creating hypocritical profession.
This is hurting the profession. This is hurting individual dietitians. This is hurting the clients. This is causing burnout and makes dietitians leave the profession.
If I am not the only one experiencing it this way, then we are creating a profession of individuals who are hurting unable to reach out to others. Through the culture of competition we are creating a competitive profession of individuals unable to support each other. Professionalism does not allow us for sharing feelings pertaining to weakness, depression, or sadness. We need to be able to perfectly manage our time, be organized, have emotional intelligence and be on top of every new report, research study, and attend every single conference, and conduct research and publish papers and be productive in our practice, having perfect weight and diet composed of home cooked and healthy meals so we can be role models for our society. These are unrealistic expectations. They are brought upon us and then internalized by us. If we will practice dietetics thinking that this is who we need to be, but knowing inside that we are not, we are creating hypocritical profession.
This is hurting the profession. This is hurting individual dietitians. This is hurting the clients. This is causing burnout and makes dietitians leave the profession.
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